collapse

Author Topic: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !  (Read 56969 times)

Calif_Diver

  • Guest
Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #135 on: April 23, 2012, 04:10:15 PM »
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk', worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers....and the cat can't get it.

He Got An A.

Offline Julian

  • Member
  • *
  • Posts: 294
Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #136 on: April 27, 2012, 11:49:48 AM »
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his pants and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear these."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your panties!"

"And you never will if you don't change your attitude."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"You know what I'm doing here, right?" asks the doctor

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely just shit my pants."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."



Offline Julian

  • Member
  • *
  • Posts: 294
Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #137 on: May 18, 2012, 02:13:19 PM »

Offline tkdvellone

  • Member
  • *
  • Posts: 67
Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #138 on: September 24, 2012, 08:00:11 AM »
My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...



Calif_Diver

  • Guest
Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #139 on: December 16, 2012, 05:57:42 PM »
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' Then the fight started!

Calif_Diver

  • Guest
Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #140 on: January 14, 2013, 09:05:17 PM »
A WISH TO LIVE FOREVER
 
 
I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.
Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"
 
"You crafty bastard!," said the fairy.
 

Offline MATT MATTISON

  • Dreaming of the day abalone is re-opened
  • Administrator
  • Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8603
  • Diving My HAPPY PLACE
    • http://norcalunderwaterhunters.com/forum/MGalleryItem.php?id=1815
Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #141 on: January 15, 2013, 03:14:47 AM »
A WISH TO LIVE FOREVER
 
 
I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.
Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"
 
"You crafty bastard!," said the fairy.

LMFAO !!!!
CHECK OUT MY YOU TUBE CHANNEL AT:
https://www.youtube.com/user/mattmattison/videos

THANK YOU TO MY AWESOME SPONSORS

Offline Jacks Diving

  • Member
  • *
  • Posts: 708
    • www.jacksdiving.com
Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #142 on: January 16, 2013, 08:34:19 AM »
"The SASQUATCH"

An avid hunter of the elusive Bigfoot was exploring through the woods looking for evidence of the bigfoot of any Kind. One day he came across a camp and asked the folks,"Have any of you seen the Sasquatch?", they replied,"What is the sasquatch?", the hunter said,"you know, the big, hairy, smelly sasquatch!" The campers said, "no, nothing like that here". So days go on as he travel and he comes across a native riding his horse by the river, the hunter asks,"Have you seen the Sasquatch?", the native replies,"Sasquatch?" the hunter says, "yeah, the sasquatch, the big hairy smelly sasquatch!", the native ponders for a minute and says, "Oh...Oh... you mean the SQWAH SNATCH"
if you kill it, you eat it.... don't be a dick

Offline livesinhumboldt

  • Member
  • *
  • Posts: 606
Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #143 on: January 24, 2013, 08:21:14 PM »
How do fish party?? With seaWeed!!!

My sister just text me that... made me laugh
« Last Edit: January 24, 2013, 08:24:46 PM by livesinhumboldt »
Bryan S.

Offline MATT MATTISON

  • Dreaming of the day abalone is re-opened
  • Administrator
  • Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8603
  • Diving My HAPPY PLACE
    • http://norcalunderwaterhunters.com/forum/MGalleryItem.php?id=1815
Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #144 on: January 24, 2013, 10:05:03 PM »
a pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says you have a captains wheel attached to your groin and the pirate reply's ARRR I know it driving me nuts
CHECK OUT MY YOU TUBE CHANNEL AT:
https://www.youtube.com/user/mattmattison/videos

THANK YOU TO MY AWESOME SPONSORS

Offline eddiethornton

  • Member
  • *
  • Posts: 85
Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #145 on: January 25, 2013, 04:58:34 PM »
What did the Ocean say to the Beach? Nothing it just Waved!!!

Calif_Diver

  • Guest
Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #146 on: January 30, 2013, 04:14:15 PM »
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished


(Well OK, this is the best)

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

Red Abalone Diving

  • Guest
Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #147 on: January 30, 2013, 05:36:46 PM »
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished


(Well OK, this is the best)

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
I appropriate that one!

Offline livesinhumboldt

  • Member
  • *
  • Posts: 606
Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #148 on: February 01, 2013, 01:03:59 PM »
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my unit one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my unit ... fifty times"
« Last Edit: February 01, 2013, 01:18:46 PM by Joshua R. »
Bryan S.

Offline Jacks Diving

  • Member
  • *
  • Posts: 708
    • www.jacksdiving.com
Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #149 on: March 22, 2013, 05:22:12 PM »
under weighted!!!
« Last Edit: March 22, 2013, 05:25:02 PM by Jacks Diving »
if you kill it, you eat it.... don't be a dick

 

noob spearo podcast

THE SPEAR Spearfishing Podcast

Support the NCUWH Website

Help support the NorCal Underwater Hunters Website by donating today.

Your decision to contribute is strictly voluntary. If you see value in this website: meeting new dive buddies, posting dive reports, a place to post your pictures, sharing great fish stories, plan out of town hunting trips, etc..., then please contribute. All proceeds go towards supporting the costs to host and maintain this awesome website.

If you prefer to send a check or money order, please PM me, MATT MATTISON, for the address.

Thanks!
Matt