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Author Topic: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !  (Read 57010 times)

Offline Byers

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Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #120 on: March 22, 2012, 12:29:08 PM »
The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

 

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

 

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

 

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

 

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

 

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

 

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

 

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

 

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

 

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

 

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

Bob Byers

Calif_Diver

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Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #121 on: March 22, 2012, 05:20:25 PM »
One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?"

So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life."

And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."

Offline Brandon Turknett

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Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #122 on: March 22, 2012, 06:31:31 PM »
I just want to say I really dig this thread. No matter how bad a day I had or how bad I feel about something, I know I can come here for a smile or good laugh. Thanks to all that contribute.
Divers go deeper, and stay down longer

Offline MATT MATTISON

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Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #123 on: March 23, 2012, 07:16:35 AM »
How is sex like paintball?
You play hard for 30 minutes, get hot and sweaty, and when its over you're glad your not the one that got shot in the face!
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Offline MATT MATTISON

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Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #124 on: March 23, 2012, 07:45:30 AM »
Even cats spearfish !!!!




Scuba/shark humor


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Offline Rob102

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Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #125 on: March 23, 2012, 09:13:51 PM »
Here's one guys:

Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

Red Abalone Diving

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Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #126 on: March 23, 2012, 09:58:35 PM »
How is sex like paintball?
You play hard for 30 minutes, get hot and sweaty, and when its over you're glad your not the one that got shot in the face!
Come on this is a public forum!!!Way out of line. Show some constraint and respect.

Offline Joshua R.

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Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #127 on: March 24, 2012, 08:58:12 AM »
Uh oh! Looks like you touched a nerve Matt.

Calif_Diver

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Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #128 on: April 02, 2012, 01:00:14 AM »
I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are

you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are

you two whales from Scotland ?"

That's the last thing I remember...

Offline Lawdog (AKA "Ling Dinger")

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Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #129 on: April 02, 2012, 07:33:54 AM »
Thanks for the morning laugh!
"Josh Russo ruined my life"

Offline Sonny

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Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #130 on: April 02, 2012, 08:21:50 AM »
Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife, just out of the shower, is standing in front of the mirror complaining about how small hear breasts are. After about ten minutes of her going on and on, the husband, who's lying in bed, suggests a sure fire remedy.
He tells her to rub a handfull of tissue paper between her tits every night when she gets out of the shower. "you must be joking" she said. "Nope" he replied, " you just rub a handful of charmin between them and I promise you, in time, they will be enormous"
Surprised at his confidence she asked "what makes you so sure?"
"Well..........IT WORKED FOR YOUR A$$, DIDN'T IT?" :pottytrain2: :bootyshake:
« Last Edit: April 02, 2012, 08:26:45 AM by Joshua R. »
"come on in boys, the water is fine"

Calif_Diver

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Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #131 on: April 02, 2012, 09:31:30 AM »
Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife, just out of the shower, is standing in front of the mirror complaining about how small hear breasts are. After about ten minutes of her going on and on, the husband, who's lying in bed, suggests a sure fire remedy.
He tells her to rub a handfull of tissue paper between her tits every night when she gets out of the shower. "you must be joking" she said. "Nope" he replied, " you just rub a handful of charmin between them and I promise you, in time, they will be enormous"
Surprised at his confidence she asked "what makes you so sure?"
"Well..........IT WORKED FOR YOUR A$$, DIDN'T IT?" :pottytrain2: :bootyshake:

 And that is when the fight started  :toothy9: :laughing7: :laughing7:

Calif_Diver

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Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #132 on: April 10, 2012, 01:42:15 PM »
You can never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys:

At a high school in Wisconsin, a group of male students played a prank.

They let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the
goats: 1, 2 and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are..... And you thought there was nothing to do in Wisconsin!

Calif_Diver

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Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #133 on: April 17, 2012, 10:33:29 PM »
In case you havent saw this one,

Calif_Diver

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Re: Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !
« Reply #134 on: April 21, 2012, 09:38:09 AM »

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.     

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.   Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.   

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they
waved it past.  I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

 

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