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Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !

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MATT MATTISON:
Subject: JOKES TO OFFEND JUST ABOUT EVERYONE

.

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom. " Holy Shit" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.  A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead". "Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?" Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last thing on me mind right now."

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

Turned on my cars navigation system and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you would see  an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " Cool- I'll snag that right now!"

Man lost in a hot air balloon over a farm. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?" The farmer looks up and shouts back "Are you serious? You're in that freakin basket!"

Bubba is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 911..
Bubba says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her" The operator says. "Please calm down sir. Are you sure she is dead?"
CLICK,BANG ..."I am now!  What next?"
 
 

MATT MATTISON:
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can you cry under water?

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it rape or shoplifting?

How important does a person have to be, before they considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes they buried you in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still a hearing?

Why are actors IN a movie, but ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Corn oil is made from corn, vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you?

When you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table
you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE.........
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons suffers from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

NorCal DiverDave:
>>THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A
>>TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST
>>ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

>>My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
>>Marrying you screwed up my life.

>>I see your face when I am dreaming.
>>That's why I always wake up screaming.

>>Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
>>This describes everything you are not.

>>Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
>>But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed
>>I thought that I could love no other --
>>that is until I met your brother.

>>Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
>>But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
>>and so is your head.

>>I want to feel your sweet embrace;
>>But don't take that paper bag off your face.

>>I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
>>Damn, I'm good at telling lies.
>>My love, you take my breath away.
>>What have you stepped in to smell this way?

>>My feelings for you no words can tell,
>>Except for maybe "Go to hell."

>>What inspired this amorous rhyme?
>>Two parts vodka, one part lime

MATT MATTISON:
Here are a couple of good jokes I snaged from another board,

JOKE #1

Two hillbilly brothers are sitting on a fence talking about Jeb's upcoming wedding day.
Billy Ray asks Jeb: You looks kinda sad, what's wrong?
Jeb: Well I'm worried about my bride to be
Billy Ray: What's to be worried about? She's a fine lookin girl from a good family.
Jeb: But, she's a virgin
Billy Ray: Why would that bother you?
Jeb: I been wonderin, if she ain't good enough for her family, what makes her good enough for ours?

JOKE #2

THE TALKING CLOCK!
 
AFTER CLOSING TIME AT THE BAR, A DRUNK WAS SHOWING HIS NEW APARTMENT TO A COUPLE OF HIS FRIENDS.
HE LED THE WAY TO HIS BEDROOM WHERE THERE WAS A BIG BRASS GONG AND A MALLET.
"WHAT'S UP WITH THE BIG BRASS GONG?" ONE OF HIS GUESTS ASKED.
"IT'S NOT A GONG. IT'S A TALKING CLOCK," THE DRUNK REPLIED.
"A TALKING CLOCK? SERIOUSLY?" ASKED HIS ASTONISHED FRIEND.
"YUP," REPLIED THE DRUNK.
"HOW'S IT WORK?" THE FRIEND ASKED, SQUINTING AT IT.
"WATCH," THE DRUNK REPLIED.
HE PICKED UP THE MALLET, GAVE THE GONG AN EAR-SHATTERING POUND AND STEPPED BACK.
THE THREE STOOD LOOKING AT ONE ANOTHER FOR A MOMENT.
SUDDENLY A VOICE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL SCREAMED ...
"YOU ASSHOLE!   IT'S THREE-FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING!"

JOKE #3

after being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes.he breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. he orders the man out of bed and ties him to a chair. he then ties the ladie up to the bed , kisses her neck then goes into the bathroom. the husband tells his wife "listen , this guys a dangrous escaped convict! he hasnt seen a women in YEARS! i saw how he kissed your neck , if he wants to F**% you dont resist , dont complain just do anything he wants or he might kill us! Be strong honey. i love you!"
  the wife responds "he wasnt kissing my neck , he was whispering in my ear. he told me he was gay and thought you were cute then asked if we had any vaseline , i told him it was in the bathroom , BE STRONG HONEY...I LOVE YOU TOO"

JOKE #4
How do they circumsize the whales at Seaworld ?

four skin divers.

JOKE #5
A husband was thinking of a birthday present to give to his wife.
As he drove by a local airport he saw a billboard advertising a "thrill of a lifetime" plane ride.
excited that his wife would enjoy an acrobatic plane ride for her birthday he went to the hangar and talked to the pilot about the cost of the flight. 
The pilot said the flight was going to cost him $500.  The husband said that that was more than he could afford and he began to haggle to get the price lowered.  The pilot lowered the cost 50% to $250 but the husband kept haggling.  Frustrated, the pilot said that if the wife and husband kept quiet throughout the flight and not scream or make the slightest sound the plane ride would be free.
The husband drives home and tells the wife about the flight and deal he made and the condition for the free flight.
The next day they take off with the pilot and the first stunt was an inverted flyby over the tower...No Sound from the Back......the second stunt was a loop the loop....still no sound from the back...third stunt was a corkscrew and still no sound from the back....
Finally the pilots lands the plane and congratulated the husband for not making any sound and getting the free flight.  The husband replied " I came that close to screaming when my wife fell out off the plane on the first stunt"






MATT MATTISON:
Here is another good one !!!!



and here is another hillbilly joke !
Cletus is passing by billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees billy bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John deere.
Buttocks clenched, billy bob performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he let's his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing, billy bob?"
"jeez, cletus, ya scares the snot 'outta me!" exclaims billy bob. The obviously embarrassed, he says, "me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

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