General Discussion > Off-Topic Discussion

Funny stuff, video's,jokes and what not !

<< < (2/45) > >>

Brandon Turknett:
Good stuff Matt, Tim Hawkins is pretty funny. you come up with some crazy shiot buddy.

MATT MATTISON:
here is some more



my all time favorite

MATT MATTISON:
Here is the joke of the day I got these from another board that I am part of.
Fishing & Reading

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern California. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the waters, the wife decides to take the kayak out. She paddles out a short distance, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?)"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. So I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the policeman.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Note: Smart Women Fish and Read

JOKE #2
 > FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO ACHIEVE A HAPPY LIFE:
> >
> > 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from
> > time to time, cleans and has a job.
> >
> > 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
> >
> > 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie
>to
> > you.
> >
> > 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to
> > be with you.
> >
> > 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each
>other.

JOKE #3
A guy gets a call from his blond girlfriend. She tells him she has a new puzzle of a tiger and all of the pieces are spread out all over the kitchen table. She says she can't figure out how to put it together and asks him to come home and help.

When he gets home, he finds her looking at a box with a drawing of Tony The Tiger, with the table covered with Frosted Flakes.


[attachment deleted by admin]

MATT MATTISON:
BLACK TESTICLES
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry  about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

MATT MATTISON:
Outsmart a woman? Are you kidding?

     A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I've been asked to go Trophy Abalone diving with my boss and several of his friends for some trophy Abalone diving. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, Please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend. Could you also get my dive gear out of the garage ? We're leaving at 4:30 PM from the office, and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh ... and please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas. We have the new CEO with us, and I'd like to look presentable during our poker game night. The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked. Following the long weekend, he came home a little tired, but otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he got any trophy abalone ?   He says, "Yes! Lots of tens and one 11 incher." He continued, "But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?" The wife replies, "I did. They're in your dive bag."  Never, never, NEVER ... try to out smart a woman!

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page

Go to full version